I am a Nothing

 Nothing. 

That is what I am. 

Ok sure, I’m a Mother. 

That’s it…

Being a mother is not easy, especially when I’ve valued a job title over that. 

I find my self worth in the work I want to do…the art I want to create…and the stories I want to tell. 

There’s no question, seconds thoughts or hesitation when it comes to my job as a mother. I will do everything and anything I need for my kids. It’s not something I need to think about, it’s something I do! 

Most importantly there is no one that will value me as a mother. 

My self worth is therefore nothing. 

I am nothing. 

I’ve amounted to nothing. I am stuck in a job that makes me feel like nothing. I’m stuck because I am a mother… 

Is there a chance that the world has not looked in my direction because I am a mother… they’ll see me when my kids are older and no longer need me… maybe? 

But till then… 

I still feel like a nothing loser… chasing after something that may never happen. 

On being a director

It's been a rough day.

I think I keep expecting things to be easy, and when it isn't I go into this whole analytical and questioning state.

What is directing?

Cause it's taking a lot from me having to tell people what to do.

But I'm not telling them what to do, I'm "directing" them right?

What I'm struggling with is not getting back what I want. I've briefed, I've directed but...

Am I speaking unclear? Does it make sense? How many times can I keep telling someone to redo something?

I almost want to just do everything myself. I'm already doing too much, and have done so much! It's all getting to me. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired and restless...

But speaking about directing again...

I want to be a director because it's everything I'm not!

It commands authority: something which I obviously struggle with self esteem wise.

You have to be eloquent and communicate your ideas well: I can see everything so clearly in my head but recently found out, that despite all the instructions that I give there's still pieces of that image that I don't convey.

Be able to ask for what you want till you get it: um...like yea ok that'll do...don't really want to bother you...

Ultimately it's about having a vision with the patience, strength and confidence to pull it off the way you see it!

Ill get there!!

I want to know how other director's define them self and experience...tell me!!

Emotionally Crippled VS. Physically Crippled

Things have been busy and going real well...

That's until I got on Vimeo and saw some ass kicking videos and now I hate all the stuff I've worked on.

I want to produce and just create beauty constantly...but I don't know why I'm so easily crippled, and most of all easily put down. What's stopping me?

In my head there's magic going on, then I sit in front of the computer and just distract myself with nonsense, get easily discouraged, and most of all restless!

I have no stability in my life and I think that just seeps into everything. It creates this creative block. How can I sit and produce if I don't even have a permanent desk to sit on?

I just finished watching this documentary: "Jujistsiung Reality"
https://vimeo.com/49352654

Just amazing!

Emotionally Crippled VS. Physically Crippled

Life's never easy...

Room References

Just looking back at this post and seeing the work I put into Pugly has re inspired me! I really do want to get back to working on it and am hoping to do so once this film is finished.

I ran across some of these photos and thought they are just exactly the look of the room I want Pugly's story to take place in. He will definitely blend in and belong...

 

 

I want him to be in this very rich Victorian room, which beautiful wall paper, the reddish brown furniture that's incredibly detailed and large.

Are you seeing him in it?!

Nother Day

I think my last post was the first time I ever expressed my personal feelings so easily, and more impressively in public!

It feels great reaching out to people and making that connection with someone.

Of course I do not believe that I am the only one going through this and that's probably why I'm writing this blog.

To make connections.

And also to vent!

How have things been since? Well...
Like I said, great hearing the encouragements and support and I truly appreciate it and it has helped, but the journey is not over!
I've been home alone for the past three days, asides from my usual trips to the gym. The digital chats here and there and the rest has been overtaken by me, my thoughts and bouts of working periods.
Today my frustrations have been renewed, perhaps because again, I am coming up against a production hurdle!

Why can't things just...Where do I want things to go?

I want this film to be done!
I have spent an insane amount of money into it, and I can't afford to invest in this anymore. I feel my cries are unheard, the production company is taking its slow pace while I boil in anger. I've also taken into procrastination, and  I won't lie a part of me is afraid that the umbrella of safely this film has cast will be gone, and then that famous question comes to mind: what will I do with myself?

Qualified for nothing!

I want my money back!

Sincerely though, I want to reap the benefits of this film, whatever they may be. I've worked hard, and invest so much into it. I want it to be seen, for people to notice it and me.

wtf?! Is that lightening out my window???

Hopeless Resltessness

It's been a while since I've posted anything, and well I've been busy!

I'm in the midst of working on my short film right now and its been a hell of an experience. I'm not sure when it will finish, everything seems to be taking a lot longer than I'd like.

At this point I'm feeling restless and hopeless...

I'm ready to move on and start something new, but the sad part is I don't think I'm entirely ready for that either. I think I'm writing because I'm trying to rationalize this feeling that I'm having.

Why am I so restless?

If there's a filmmaker out there reading this, maybe you've gone through the same? Enlighten me.

I'm in the post production faze now. It's a short live action film with intense VFX and along with being the writer, director, part executive produce (money bleeder), I am also working on some of the animations for a few scenes.
I've been anticipating the animation faze of this all along and now that I'm in it, its wearing me down a bit. I've forgotten how tedious, mindless, and solitary it can be.

Again if you're a filmmaker reading this, I think you know the dark places we all tend to go too throughout this process...

And I am trying to help myself, and get away from that place by venting and hopefully keeping this up, so that I can keep myself accountable.

Now do I have the courage to confess to you, whoever you are, what my hopelessness and dark places are? Not sure yet.

For now, I just need honestly to reach out, even if it's to nobody, but to feel some hope, that this is normal to go through, to have those doubts, and fears, and feelings of hopelessness.

Where am I going post this film?
Will I disappoint? Will I live up to the expectations every one had of me? Will I myself be happy with the work I've accomplished, and I know it's an accomplishment, but I feel like I need a bit more than just the words of encouragement, I want proof!!
Does that make sense?
What is there for me to do after this?
Yes I love directing! Will you hire me as a director? I see, I've barely got any experience...
Yes I love to animate! No I don't have those sick skills the techies you've hired got!
Back to teaching...oh that endlessness, yea I really get to use my skills (sarcasm), so busy with it I don't even have time for my own creative work...hmm but then again at least there was a pay!

Ooh ooh I know!! I'm opening my own company!

I've got lots of ideas for music videos, shorts, features, and more. I can work on that, hire a bunch of robots and sure will take some paid jobs here and there. Now who wants to give me money and an accountant maybe...

Yea hopelessness!

My bed looks nice. I think I'm going to lay under the covers for now.

Complete Distraction

As mentioned earlier, Pugly was starting to wear me down a bit. I also realized that my modeling skills suck!

So I decided to work on a tutorial and do something very different for me. I've definitely learned a lot. Still more to learn and improve on, but for now this got me what I needed out of it.

I could easily spend so much more time on this, but must move on and focus on what I can use for my reel and just take this one as a pure learning exercise.

Just a simple Ambient Occlusion texture on it all.
I added a bunch of textures and just made the colors white, and saved some AO for what I got to lazy to texture.

Different environment set up.

Different angle and slight variation on texture and lighting.